Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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