I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
