Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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