Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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