When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
