I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
