I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
