Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
