please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
