I want to make a zoo with you.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
