we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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