we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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