I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
