...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
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