Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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