How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
How does it feel to date your dad?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
