You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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