A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
My boob is missing a layer of skin
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Randomize
