Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
