im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
