I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
