Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
