I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
