first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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