i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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