Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
