I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
