apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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