I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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