Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
