It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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