she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize