The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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