Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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