my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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