Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
