Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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