id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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