Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
