handjob tips. give me some.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
