If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
