I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
