i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
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