Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
