there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
