I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
So many bounce houses so little time
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
