Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
