You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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