He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
