I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
