I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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