Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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