Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Please don't give away my fajitas
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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