You don't have asthma, your pregnant
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
