I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
